A comparative analysis: IF FISH WERE DRUGS

Written and contributed by TK Connor III

 Bass: Medical Marijuana. This a chill experience, spent mid summer casting a popper along some peaceful pond, lined with cattails. You might be in a small, manageable jon boat that you pushed from the bank into the enticing water that awaits. At some point you'll have the time and energy to whip out a snack, maybe drink a beer to compliment the vermilion setting sun over the front range. All in all a good experience, something that you'll do again, maybe even get a license - I mean private bass lease - so you can do it all the time, cause - you can always fit it in with the kids after work. And hey, if the bass aren't biting, its all good - we'll just catch some blue gill and laugh our asses off.

Wiper: LSD combo'd with street amphetamines. Usually bad weather, you're gonna get wet, be cold and you're definitely awake, in some foreign environment battling the urge to run away and never come back, but hell bent and committed on the idea that something good might come of this. When you finally hit the peak, or catch a fish, all hell is breaking loose, reels are falling apart, the wind is pushing the boat into the rocks and once again, your battling a chaotic fish that might leave you empty handed and frazzled. If the stars align and you're holding a 10 pound wiper, you'll be convinced that you're just tripping your balls off. Now, if you make it out alive, I guarantee you'll have some experiences and that you'll never forget, and you'll want to do it again, probably with your buddies, when your wife doesn't know about it.

Pike: Cocaine combo'd with alcohol. You gotta have the energy to fish hard for pike, and have the lowered inhibitions to put your body at risk to a mean and pissed off fish, that will cut you up if he needs to. Its a fine balance of maintaining a comfort level and taking off the edge, but staying focused and ready to drive a distance, and fish with skill and tenacity. The pay off is generally really great - but you usually want to keep doing it all night and into the next day.


Carp: Three red bulls combo'd with 1/2 hit of ecstasy. Carp fishing is similar to trout fishing in that you get constant feedback on whether or not you're doing the right thing. This however, requires a good deal of energy and ambition but also requires a relaxed, patient and glass half full, ambivalent faith type attitude. You can't be too jacked up, but also can't be too lazy - its a fine balance.. In the likely scenario that you'll get skunked, its okay because you're not completely exhausted from the experience, and you can easily do it again the next day - and interestingly you will have loved doing it - I mean loved it. The carp effect will keep you laughing and going back for more on the weekends and you'll probably spend a whole day planning it out. Although, if this is your sole focus, you'll end up a little tweaky and strangely distant.

Trout: Heroine. feels good, laid back, you relax, maybe pass out streamside for a nap during the day. wake up and easily repeat. find yourself 10 years later still guiding for the same shop, same meager rations and generally starving for good food and meaning in life. Eventually you'll get a good job with some corporation and fish two weeks a year, for the same dumb 12" brown on boulder creek.



As far as I'm concerned, the Colorado Grand Slam is a carp, wiper, pike and bass all in the same day. If you do it in Boulder County then you're just an incredible bad ass and it would be an honor to chill with you. In a sense, you're committing both mental and physical suicide and it'll leave you exhausted for days - and you'll probably only try once a year (in Vegas, where anything can happen). I tried it last year and was a bass away from completing the quad-fecta - Hunter S. Thompson uncontrollably narrated my thoughts, very much reminiscent of fear and loathing. All I had to do was just smoke that joint, but it was late after a long day, I was wet, cold, battered, tired, bloody, out of energy drinks didn't have that little red card - um I mean - a private bass lease. I will try it again and I hope you do to - you'll be better for trying and it will tell you a lot about who you are. And don't worry, the trout will always be there like a king size bed, spread with a giant goose down comforter for when your old, lazy and looking for the easy way out.

 By TK Connor III